How Daily(ish) Journaling Revealed The Pattern

I began my daily(ish) journal journey in 2023, in India. I splurged on a nice journal and went for it. One day at a time (with spaces in between) had taught me something. I've lived through all this before. The same cycle of chaos and clarity. And if you'd read the books, apparently it's all a normal part of being human.

We are humans. 

Some compare humans to computers. Some, to animals. Some, to organisms. Some would prefer not to define what it is to be human. Some would say that it doesn't matter if we are humans, we are just here to fulfill our purpose. Some say that purpose has no meaning, and that being human is simply to experience being human. 

I ask, "What does being human mean to those who find too many meanings?" If the purpose is to live, isn't that considered "purpose?" If we have no meaning, then shall we all unravel and finally collapse the illusion? What is the illusion, in fact? It is a series of patterns. And what are patterns? They are repetitions of the same theme at intervals of time. Patterns go in cycles, but also waves. Some patterns reveal themselves in a deep valley, and the same patterns can restart on a peak. It all depends on various factors. 

Each time the pattern repeats, the feelings are sort of similar. And often, a single pattern can include the same people, subjects, and themes. Usually, we have gone a significant period of time between patterns to forget the pattern altogether. And when the time for the pattern to restart arrives, it almost blindsides us. 

This is by design. To understand that life is a series of patterns is all well and good, however some are more interested in defining the patterns. These people often find life unbearably bleak. They become cynical, depressed, or even contract illnesses that are tough to manage in a daily basis. This is the price to pay for the awareness. 

Being aware of the patterns doesn't make them hurt less. 

In fact, being aware of patterns can often send people into a deep ditch of hopelessness. If we are just creatures being carried in cyclical patterns, do we really have any free will? It's a tough question to answer, because these very people who ask it, are often looking for every answer. And every answer is definitive. Even the answers that contradict one another.

These complex qualms are most productive when written down, I concluded. And as the new pattern began this year, I noticed a twinge of familiarity. I bounded for my journal and quickly shuffled through the pages. I found the cycle. I found the beginning, middle, and end. I knew I'd be okay, because here I was, leafing through pages of my life from 2 years ago, and I'm still alive. So clearly, this pattern is just what it is to be me, Alice. 

Alice is my name. It started as a nickname, given to me by my aunt to completely assimilate me into the american pantheon. My real name is Aisel. She is tough to handle at times. Alice is unattached to anyone. Because the name was empty when given. And I would prefer it to remain so. If course, Alice began to amass an ego of its own. And so, I've no problem with saying that Alice and Aisel are both personas of mine. And none of them actually define me. 

There's another name... But that's for another day.

The point here is: in a world of humans, who are simply characters who play the same performance in cycles over which they have no control, we must only appreciate the pattern itself. We cannot change it, but we CAN change how we feel towards it. And to those of us that take things heavily, we must also completely let go. The challenge is in the weakness. The weakness is in the strength. The magnitude of the weakness is also the magnitude of the strength. The Pattern is the point.

Blessed be,

Alice🙏✨